The Danger in Sympathy
I was in fourth grade when my understanding of race and racism was shaped in a single moment. It was at Ace, the corner store my friends and I went to after school.
When we went to leave, the clerk stopped me. “Open your jacket,” he growled. Towering over me, he reached into my coat and squeezed all of the inner compartments. Finding them empty, he asked me to leave. No apology.
I stumbled out, dazed. My friends were horrified and shared their outrage. “I’m so sorry that happened. I can’t believe it!” they squealed. All I could think about was seeing the back of their coats as the clerk reached into mine.
I tell this story not to shame my friends. They were ten and, like me, ill-prepared for the moment. I share my experience to illuminate a phenomenon I’ve felt beyond that moment in the 4th grade: sympathy over action. Ten year old me didn’t need them to be horrified after the ordeal. I needed their action - to speak up, to stand with me in the moment.
Here’s what sympathy looks like:
Texting me after a meeting to say, “Wow, that was so messed up, I can’t believe it. He was being completely ignorant.”
“Fundraising while black must be so hard. I could never do what you’re doing.”
Here’s what action looks like:
“Can we stop for a moment? I think Erica said something and I’m not sure we understood her.”
“Are you aware of this opportunity? I saw it and I think School Leader Lab would be a perfect fit. Let me know and I’ll make an intro and put in a good word.” I’m grateful to benefit from so much more of this than the former.
Sympathy is pity, often to make the giver feel less guilty. Action is defense and intervention. At School Leader Lab, we work with leaders to disrupt inequity in the moment and at a systemic level in their schools. Said one leader, “We have open discussions specific to our schools around racism. What’s really powerful though, is that we don’t only talk in theory, but are able to practice having tough conversations, and get feedback from others on our approach. This program, more than any other experience, is moving me from thinking into doing.”
Our friend Michelle Molitor at the Equity Lab is known for saying, “The most dangerous conversation about race is the one we don’t have.” That’s what we believe at School Leader Lab. Leaders need brave, trusting space to think, talk, understand, and process the trauma of racism. As Black History Month comes to an end, let’s continue those conversations while staying perpetually driven toward action. When you find yourself in sympathy, what will you do?
Want to learn more? Check out these resources:
Check out this video of Bree Newsome taking down the Confederate Flag at the South Carolina State House. Notice James Ian Tyson, holding the pole while Newsome climbs. How are you, no matter your race, holding the pole for others?
Watch this video- do you see the glass cliff at play in your work?
School Leader Lab Updates:
Alumni Convening: We had so much fun with our incredible SLC alumni last month. Look out for more information on our next alumni event, happening in May!
DC SLC 2023: Applications for our next SLC cohort are due on March 20th. Apply today!
SLC 2023 Residency: We had our first School Leader Cohort overnight residency last week. The ability to collaborate and support one another is a benefit that lasts long after our cohort programming ends.
Alumni Convening (left) School Leader Cohort Overnight Residency (right)
